Nearing year's end

I've gotten pretty bad at updating this blog I realize. I think that's a good sign - I'm working out, I'm happy, I just have less time sitting at a computer. I'm down to 185 now - this is roughly my pre-pregnancy weight before Ava. I can fit into size 14 pants, though 16s are fitting best right now. I wear form-fitting shirts. I feel good.

I also successfully ran my first 5K on Thanksgiving morning. I ran the entire thing and got a better time than I was expecting (36 minutes, 21 seconds). I have been struggling with hip flexor problems though, which currently are driving me nuts and preventing me from running.

People are really noticing that I'm a different person. It's pretty amusing. Some people see me and just snap their heads back because they realize how I am. Some of them haven't seen me in a while, but some see me every day but just suddenly SEE how I've changed.

Anyway, things are going great. My weight loss has slowed down, partly because I'm much smaller, and partly because I'm eating a little more now. But it is still ticking down at around 10 lbs per month. I'm happy.  :)

I can run a mile

In the last week I have dropped under 200 pounds and I've run for an entire mile without stopping. I haven't run for an entire mile in at least 10 years. And you know what? It was easy. EASY! I'm still training for a Turkey Trot 5K and aside from a hip flexor that sometimes isn't happy, I'm doing great. I've been lifting weights too. I'm getting random hugs from people at work who are looking at me and really NOTICING that I'm a different person. I am wearing size 16 and XL stuff now. I can shop in real stores!!  I haven't been able to do that in 10 years either. It is unbelievable. I feel normal. Wow.

Onederland!

This was a few days ago. It feels so ONEDERFUL. Cheesy, I know.  :)

The women who changed my life

I forgot to post this too. These are the women who changed my life - me and my surgeon. Isn't she young? She's one of those Dougie Howser types. Amazing woman. My 3-month appointment was great - she was very happy with my progress and even thought I could eat a little more since I'm exercising so much. She also joked that I should talk with all her other patients about how much the exercise helps.  :)  Yeah, things were good. My blood work was all great (though still a little high on the cholesterol). I go back again at 6 months.

100 pounds!!!!!!!!!

100 pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think that is all I really need to say.

3 months

Today marks 3 months since surgery. All lingering risks of a blood clot have passed. My stomach is fully healed. I'm here. We're vacationing at the coast sans kids so I can't weigh in today, but yesterday I was 215. So that means I lost 16 pounds this month. Not bad! Last month it was 15, and the first month after surgery it was 21. So a total of 52 since surgery. I went for a run on the beach today, which was awesome. My follow-up with the surgeon is coming up on Tuesday when we will review my blood work. I'm so sooo glad to be here. I think this surgery was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Purging

Last night I loaded 8 HUGE bags of clothes in the car to get out of my house forever. Wow...it feels so good! My pants fall down, I drown in my shirts...yeah, they had to go. I've dug out some of the clothes from circa 2004-5 and they are doing good for me. I'm a snug size 20 or baggy 22. Plus, I'm blessed with having a dear friend who has been losing weight just ahead of me, and she's passing her stuff on to me. Score! With new (to everyone around me) clothes that actually FIT, people are really noticing. In the last 4 days I've been stopped 5 times and complicated on how good I look.

At the same time as all this awesomeness, the rapid changes are giving me a bit of a mid-life crisis. I don't think I'm going to go out and buy a red convertible, but you never know...  :)

With these last few pounds I've lost, I also passed down into "regular" obesity too. No more qualified, extra bad obesity! Just plain old obese. I'm just a week or so away from losing 100 pounds too. I'm going to have to set some new goals for myself. I'd originally hoped to get under 200 pounds by my birthday (January 10), but now I think I could realistically shoot for 175. Wow. And maybe a 5K by then too.  Things are going well!

Vacation survival

Whew! We are home from vacation and back into our routine already. I weighed myself for the first time in 2 weeks, and it turns out I lost 3 pounds while in Florida eating almost whatever I wanted.  Thank you sleeve! But now I want to buckle down and get serious again. I'm only 10 pounds from hitting the century mark (100 lbs lost) and I'd like to see it in another couple of weeks. Plus my 3-month surgeon's appointment is coming up.

The trip overall was really great. I fit in the airplane seat without any trouble, and I didn't come close to needing a seatbelt extender (which I'd shamefully been needing for many years). See the extra:

I had no trouble getting on rides at Disney World, and I could walk all day without trouble. I kept up my runs every few days and kept feeling better and better. I also wore a swimsuit to the beach and didn't feel ridiculous. There is no way I could have enjoyed this vacation as much as I did 90 pounds ago.

Warm Rain

I went for a run tonight in the warm run, and it was awesome. We're on vacation in Florida now, so my food tracking hasn't been great and I haven't weighed myself since I left, but I think I'm doing okay. It has been a great trip. I fit on the airplane with no problem! I rode the rides at Disney World. And I continue to feel great while running. I know I've neglected this blog a bit. I've neglected all computers while on vacation. I look forward to getting home and being back in my routine.

Halfway!

And...I woke up this morning at 229 - 80 lbs lost, 80 to go. Yay for halfway!!!

2 months!

Today marks 2 months since my surgery, and I can't believe the changes I see and feel in myself. I'm also 1 pound away from being halfway to my goal. That just seems so crazy. I remember just starting this journey in January and feeling a bit proud once I'd lost my first 5 lbs. Tonight we took some pictures and measurements that help me keep track of how my body is changing. I've lost 10 inches around my waist alone. I have been wearing the same clothes for the pictures since we started this thing, and they literally hang off me now. If the pants didn't have a drawstring, I think they'd fall down. I'm still run/walking every other day and am working on the 3rd week of a couch-2-5k. I actually really look forward to the run. Tonight I even went out in the cool rain after a big thunderstorm we had. And I've been biking a lot more too. Yesterday I actually biked to work and back, which I haven't done in probably 7 years. Yep, I feel like it is all coming together. And last weekend, I took my two oldest (ages 6 and 8) for their first backpacking trip, and it was my first trip in 9 years. No way could I have done that 79 lbs ago! It felt so wonderful to be out there again, though I do have to say the ground was much harder than I remember. I'm going to blame that on my age though. So things are going well, and a few people are starting to notice I've made some changes. I'm still getting roughly 700 calories a day, give or take. I don't find myself hungry very often, and when I do it is a pleasant feeling. Sometimes I have some head hunger to deal with, but it isn't too terrible. And I'm finding that when I do eat something that isn't great for me (like the half a Hershey's bar I ate when we roasted smores the other night), it makes me feel like crap. Sometimes I think about how different everything is for me now compared to a year ago, and I wonder who I am. I knew I would feel better as I lost weight, but I didn't anticipate I would feel this wonderful. Yay!

I am exploding (with energy)

What they told me was true. Though I've been pretty tired and weak over the last 6+ weeks, I think I just turned the corner. It feels like I just broke through a barrier...like the rubber bands that were holding me back have just snapped. We went camping this past weekend, which I always love, but let's be honest...camping with lots of kids is not the most relaxing or rejuvenating vacation. We had a fabulous time though and really enjoyed seeing some old friends again. I felt (mostly) awake and alive, and didn't guzzle caffeine just to stay awake (I'm still not drinking caffeine at all). And when we came home yesterday, I worked hard with Keith to unload the car and get everything put away and laundry started, then I went for a run, and then I danced around the kitchen while listening to music and cooking dinner from scratch. Oh, and while cooking I dumped the dishwasher, filled it up, switched the laundry, and played with Emmett. Yep, it really feels like I'm exploding with energy. This makes me so excited for what is to come ahead!

The Man in the Moon

I went for a run last night (!!!). It was dark by the time I set out, which was not my intention, but it was a gorgeous night and I really enjoyed the cool air and full moon. Back up for a moment though...I just just say I went for a RUN. I haven't run in 2 years. I couldn't have even considered it 70 pounds ago (hit 70 pounds today!). But I went for it and it felt surprisingly awesome. I'm starting pretty simply with a couch-to-5k program, so in reality I walked for most of it, but ran for 6 short 1-minute intervals. I'm really looking forward to my next run tomorrow.

Things have continued to go well overall. I still feel very full after eating 3 ounces of meat. I've been trying to get a tiny bit of vegetables in as well. The fiber really helps with this high-protein diet.  ;-)  My clothes are getting baggier and baggier, and I'm having to retire some of my capris that were actually too small for me last summer. People are noticing that I've lost weight (people who don't know I had surgery), which is both awesome but also makes me self-conscious. And as of this past weekend, I can now lift weights again! I'm looking into a few gyms that I hope to start in the fall. But most importantly, I can lift Emmett again.  Poor kid did pretty well without me lifting him for so long.

Oh, and I realized today that the last time I was in the 230s was very shortly after Alder was born...6 years ago. Wahoo!

I blew it

I went to a wedding this past weekend. It was a lovely event, complete with thunderstorm as soon as the outdoor ceremony ended. I ate the food there too, and I kinda blew it. But when I say I blew it, I need to explain. I had a normal breakfast (1/2 protein shake, 1/2 cup of cottage cheese), a normal lunch (3 ounces of chicken, some salsa, 1/2 ounce of cheese) and a tiny snack (1/4 of a protein bar). At the wedding, I had 2 small slices of cheese, about 3 ounces of chicken,  about 1/2-2/3 cup of homemade macaroni and cheese, a little bit of salad with a few drops of dressing, and ONE ENTIRE WHOLE CUPCAKE. I was soooo full. I looked around myself at the other plates, and though I felt entirely stuffed, I realized I ate probably 1/4 what most people did. And I wasn't drinking either! So at the end of the day my calorie count was still under 1200, but I truly felt guilty because I overindulged. And the funny thing is...my body seems to have known because I haven't really lost any weight in a week. But these sorts of starts and stalls are normal, and going off-plan is also normal. What is important is that you get back on track again. I'm really glad I successfully navigated a wedding and I don't think anyone noticed I was eating oddly. And to be honest, that cupcake was damn good. But I'm back on track and ready to keep moving down.

Obesity

My surgery was 4 weeks ago, and today I crossed a threshold. I dropped under 250 lbs, which means I also dropped down under 40 BMI. This means I've dropped down in obesity class as well.

BMI > 50 = Super obese

BMI 40-50 = Morbidly obese

BMI 35-40 = Severely obese

BMI 30-35 = Obese

BMI 25-30 = Overweight

BMI 18.5-25 = Healthy

I left super obesity behind at the very beginning of my journey 6 months ago. I left morbid obesity behind today.  Now I am just severely obese. I admit the words are terrible...severely, morbidly, and super obese. Regardless, I'm still happy to be moving down. I've also dropped a few clothing sizes recently, which makes me feel just awesome. 

The other big number I've been waiting to see is less than 100, as in less than 100 pounds to lose. I'm there now..."only" 99 to go. It is still a lot, but moving under 100 makes it feel like less.

Torn Muscles

So I made it in to see the surgeon yesterday, and after much poking and prodding, she feels I may have seriously pulled and perhaps even torn my abdominal muscle around where the deep stitching is. It does not pose a risk to me other than being in pain when I move certain ways. I'm not sure what actually did it...I haven't lifted anything unnecessarily and I think I've been doing a good job following the post-op directions. But I am a pretty busy mom with a job and kids to drive around to camps, and it is nearly impossible to not use your abdominal muscles. So now I'm trying to be even more cautious. I can't pick things up off the floor, and I still can't lift anything. I can't sit up to get out of bed - I have to roll to my side first.

Other than that little spot, everything continues to improve. Eating is getting easier because I'm now able to eat solid chicken (rather than shredded), which fills me up for quickly and sticks in my stomach longer. The result is less hunger. Today I was under 600 calories without trouble. Seems crazy...but it is working. I'm also still trying to get at least an hour of walking in every day. I've stopped trying to weigh in every morning because it drives me crazy. I have been bouncing around the same numbers for almost a week though, which is typical at about 3 weeks. I've had a few people say that they noticed I was losing weight, and that feels good of course. And my clothes continue to get looser. Definitely on the way to a healthier me.

Ouch

So I've been back at work for 3 days now, and my body is telling me I'm doing too much. The deep stitch spot in my belly is reeeeally hurting.  :(  I'm calling the surgeon in the morning because it is not supposed to get worse. I think I've maybe several strained the muscle with the stitch, or possibly even ripped it or something.  In certain positions is just makes me whimper.

Other than that spot, which kinda dominates me thinking lately, I'm doing well. I find my mind is still a bit foggy...I'm certainly not intellectually productive for 8 hours a day. It feels good to be working again, but I don't welcome the return of the stress. I do get tired incredibly quickly. Tomorrow I think I will spend most of the day at home, maybe with my laptop on my lap.

Milestones

It just occurred to me that I am exactly one-third of the way to my final weight loss goal. Wow! So I've lost around 33% of my excess body weight, or 17% of my total starting weight. That is pretty amazing. And I feel like I'm just getting started! My next milestone will be dropping just one more pound to 255, because that marks the highest weight I ever say before having kids. For a long time it was my high point. And I'm just one pound away from it. After that I look forward to getting under 250, and under 230 because that was a plateau my body always liked to sit at. And then hopefully I'll get below 200 and into ONE-DERLAND by my birthday. I would love to welcome 38 years old with a healthier me!

Worn out

Today we took the family to Da Vinci Days and it really wore me out. I've noticed on other days that if I take a trip to the grocery store, it makes me pretty tired. Today was worse. It wasn't that we walked that much really...it was just a lot of everything. So I crashed out for another afternoon nap today. It was nice to be out and among happy, normal people though. I guess I have another month or two of tiring quickly ahead of me. Next week will be interesting because I'm headed back to work, and I've been warned that an 8-hour day will be really exhausting for a while. I'm planning to ease into it...maybe 4-5 hours in the office, and then a few hours from home. Oh, and one other exciting thing about today - I got to wear some pants that haven't fit in a while.  :)

Food is still going well. I've had chicken mixed with salsa and cheese, and it was divine. Today I finally got to eat those sweet potatoes I missed out on the other day too. Tomorrow I think we'll try some eggs.  Incisions are doing well and the soreness is improving. Now I can relax with Emmett if he is gentle.

I can eat food!!!

OMG...solid food after nearly 3 weeks of liquids is just heavenly! Yum! So yesterday I had my follow-up with the surgeon and she released me to try solid foods (starting with soft foods first). So on the way home from the appointment I bought some cottage cheese and made myself a snack. It went down wonderfully...no troubles at all. Apparently some people have issues with transitioning to solid foods, and some surgeons don't let their patients transition until a month or six weeks. But it was fine for me. Whew! So for dinner I made some baked tilapia, and again, it was amazing. I have to chew everything to a thin liquid before swallowing, but I had no problems. However, after 2 ounces of fish I was suddenly VERY full! I'd been warned that would happen...the solid proteins really fill you up and stick with you for a while. Over the next hour I did finish another 1/2-ounce of fish, but I was never able to touch the mashed sweet potato I made. Now that I'm on solids, I can really SEE how this restriction will work.

The rest of my appointment was fine. The surgeon removed the steri-strips so I got a look at my incisions for the first time. This is the largest one with my pinky again:

She said the incisions looked great and I can even start swimming again in another week! Usually you have to wait till you are a month out. Ava will be really happy - her birthday party is at the pool next weekend. Walking is still going great. Now I can hike too, but I have to wait until I'm 6 weeks out to start lifting weight. The surgeon was really happy with my weight loss and how I'm feeling. Basically, everything is great! I go back again at 3 months post op. Until then, I will love feeling this new steadily healthier me.

Hungry!

I didn't expect to feel hungry this early, but I do a little bit. Of course I feel head hunger - the stuff that is all in your mind. But I'm also feeling some physical hunger. Some people with this surgery don't feel hungry again for months. But here I am...I was feeling it within a few days. I guess it isn't too weird to think I might be hungry since I'm only getting about 650 calories a day. The big difference I feel is that the hunger is nothing like I had before...it is like mini-hunger. And to satisfy that hunger I just need a 1/4 cup of food or so. It is amazing.

I hit a nice milestone today - I'm now 50 pounds down from when I started this journey. I feel lighter and slimmer and healthier. I know I still have a long way to go, but damn...it feels good to shed 50 pounds! Since surgery 12 days ago I've lost 8 pounds, which is a bit slower than I'd hoped. I hear from other post-op folks that they are losing 12 to even 20 pounds in the first two weeks. So I'm a little bummed it isn't going that fast, but I did lose more than most (14 lbs) in my pre-op diet week, so that might be part of why I'm losing more slowly now. But geez...listen to me...I've lost 8 pounds in 12 days! That is still pretty good.

Today I had a check-up with my primary care physician. Everything looked good. In a few months we'll check my sugar and cholesterol levels again. For now she is excited for me and this new life. Tomorrow I have my post-op check-up with the surgeon. I'm excited to see her again and share how my experience has unrolled.

Birthday cake

Okay, I admit...this is an odd thing for me to be making just a week after bariatric surgery. But surgery happened when it happened and birthdays just keep happening. Today was Emmett's 2nd birthday party (tomorrow is the actual day) and everything went well. I think I put together a pretty sweet cake and I managed to do it all without eating it...though maybe I did lick my fingers.

It was hard to cut slices for everyone except myself. I admit I desperately wanted some cake. Someday I'll be able to have some...a very small piece maybe. But certainly not now. My liquid diet is still going pretty well. I'm getting tired of protein shakes a bit, but I'm dealing. These last few days we've been preparing chicken breast of various types for dinner for everyone else, so I just stick a few pieces in a food processor and blend the shit out of it with some juice. Yeah, the consistency isn't chicken, but it still tastes pretty good.

I'm also doing well on walking...I'm aiming for 2.5-3 miles per day and these last few days I've managed to do it. I still seem to need a nap every day though. My incisions are still pretty good. Only the one big incision is still sore at all, and it is quite mild now. I look forward to going back to see the surgeon for my post-op appointment. I look forward to moving onto real food after that. 

This is like riding a roller coaster

This morning I feel pretty good. I'm weak and light-headed, even to the point of being dizzy sometimes. But I feel pretty good. My bruising is greatly improved and I can move without pain in most cases. And I'm not taking narcotics anymore. Yesterday was a very tough day. I was dizzy and weak, plus I had a slight fever and just felt soooo exhausted. I took a nap and woke up 3 hours later! I could have just kept right on sleeping too. I hear this roller coaster is normal. My body seems to have gotten the hint about the lack of calories, and now it is struggling. These last few days I've managed to get 500-600 calories in. While in the hospital I was lucky to get 50 calories, and on surgery day it was zero. For two days before surgery it was around 100-200 calories, and for five days before that it was 750-850. So I'm almost two weeks into a very severe calorie restriction. As of this morning I've lost 19 pounds in that two weeks, so it is certainly working!

I've been taking 3 or 4 walks a day since coming home. It feels really wonderful to walk - I always want to go further (I only do a local 12-minute loop right now) but am waiting based on recommendations from others who have been through this before. I've found some people online and one from my surgeon's office who had or will be having surgery in July. It is great to connect with people who are going through this at the same time. My clothes all feel looser, though I wouldn't quite say anything is too big yet. I'm nearing the 50-lb mark since I started this journey. That will be a proud day.

Where did my stomach go?

I've had a bunch of people ask me what they did with my stomach. See that incision under the steri-strips in the picture? 85% of my stomach came out of that hole. That is my pinky finger in the picture for comparison. With this procedure (VSG), most of my stomach is removed. A variation of this surgery is used for stomach cancer patients, and it has been part of the duodenal switch surgery (another weightloss surgery option) for decades. Here is a nice picture of it that I found on the web:

Since the procedure was done laparoscopically, I don't have any large incisions. That one in the picture is the biggest one I have. It is the sorest and the most bruised too since it needed to be large enough to remove the stomach. There was an extra stitch put deep in my muscles at that spot in order to close the muscles back up after they were separated to get out of the way. In total I have 6 incisions - 5 from the surgical instruments, and 1 from a post-op drain. One of the 5 surgical incisions is up high, right under my sternum. During the procedure, they also repaired a hiatal hernia (apparently really common) and that incision site needed to be up high for that. The others are across my middle abdomen, about halfway between my belly button and the bottom of my ribs. Most of the incisions are only slightly sore (or maybe it is those pain meds helping). But make no mistake - I had major abdominal surgery and my muscles were really jerked around. Every time I sit up I'm reminded of that.

Today has been pretty good so far. I'm definitely going to make my water and protein goals (64 oz, 60 grams respectively). Looks like I'll end the day with around 500-600 calories down, which is pretty good for 3 days post-op! I don't feel hungry at all. In fact, most of the time I just feel indifferent. I could not eat all day. The protein shakes have been good today. This evening I'll try some cream of chicken soup (strained of the chicken chunks). I might try a bite of ricotta cheese too. Overall, I'm doing well. Now I think I'll go take a nap...

Headed home!

Yeah!!!  Just sitting around waiting for my ride. All my labs looked excellent. My drain was pulled (funkiest sensation ever) and looks good. I've got 4 prescriptions to fill but shouldn't need anything until this evening. I'm ready to blow this joint!

7 Surgical

I'm on the 7th floor of the hospital, which is where they send post-op surgery patients of all types. There are 2 other bariatric patients here somewhere on the floor. There are some trauma patients. There is 1 cosmetic surgery patient. There are lots of folks here. The floor is at capacity. Overall I think I'm one of the youngest here. The other half of this floor is for oncology. I see people that appear to have been here for a pretty long time. There are some that I look at and wonder if they will ever leave this floor. It is a little bit of an odd feeling to walk through that part of the floor (I'm doing floor laps...it helps with my recovery). Overall though all the staff have been really helpful.

My recovery is going well. I lost my catheter yesterday and I lost my IV this morning. I still have a drain in, but that should be removed today. Two days ago I could barely stumble 5 feet with people helping me. Now I do complete floor laps (10 min?) by myself. My belly is fairly sore and I'm still gladly accepting my pain meds (Lorcet). The nurse last night said I had a wee bit of constriction in my upper respiratory area, so I've been working hard on my inspirator to ensure I don't end up with pneumonia. I am now experiencing the dreaded gas pain episode, which happens to all bariatric patients. The surgeons inflate your abdomen with gas so they can work safely during the surgery, and while they try to get it all out when they are done, they can never get everything. So I'm feeling pretty bloated and uncomfortable. Gas drops (the same stuff you give to babies) really help. Walking the floor helps too. My mind seems to be mostly back. That anesthesia really made me feel loopy for a long time, but I think I've finally shaken the last side effects from that. 

Food-wise, I'm now on clear fluids. I started this stage yesterday and will continue it today. My breakfast included decaffeinated herbal tea and sugar-free jello. For lunch I'll get the same plus some broth. It doesn't really matter - I'm not at all hungry. The biggest focus now is staying hydrated, especially since my IV was removed a little early. Once I'm home I move to full liquids, so I'll be able to have protein shakes, pudding, applesauce, even cream of wheat. But the biggest focus will still be hydration. If I don't stay hydrated, I come back to the hospital. It may not sound too hard to stay hydrated, but when you can barely sip an ounce every 15 minutes...it can be a challenge to get enough. My tummy is itty-bitty now, and it must be respected or I will pay the price. 

Bells and whistles

Here I am a day after surgery and I seem to have a knack for setting off the equipment alarms. With all these monitors attached to me, there is plenty of opportunity to get some sort of bell or whistle going off. Overall things are going well. It is late afternoon right now and I feel considerably better than I did this morning, which is leaps and bounds better than I felt yesterday.  I'm eating jello and drinking diluted apple juice. I've managed to use the bathroom on my own. Keith and I just took a stroll of the entire hospital floor. My incision sites are a bit sore, but it isn't too bad. I can feel that my abdominal muscles got mucked with and that is a bit achey. I'm still a bit wobbly, though now that I'm off the IV pain meds and onto the oral meds, that has improved. Yep, I can feel myself waking up here. It is still hard to imagine that I will be going home tomorrow though. I have these occasional thoughts that I can't believe I actually did it...I really had the surgery. But then I feel relief because it isn't a choice anymore. It is done.  Whew....it is done.

To the hospital!

It is 4 am and I'm riding in the car on the way in. Weight on the morning of surgery - 267 lbs. I did one more antiseptic scrub, removed all my piercings and rings, and put my slippers on. Unbelievably, the sky is just starting to lighten on the horizon...which is probably good because some fools are still setting off fireworks so maybe they will stop soon. I keep having the morbid thoughts like "I hope this isn't my last sunrise" and "I hope I live to come home and see the kids again."  I'm a member of some online VSG communities that have been extremely helpful with nerves and expectations. They are pretty awesome. Obesityhelp.com and verticalsleevetalk.com if anyone wants to check them out. There are a lot of good resources on there.

I feel at peace with everything right now. I'm hungry and thirsty (no fluids after midnight!) and tired. As soon as we arrive at the hospital I'll be completely taken care of. I can't believe it will all be over in just a few hours. Well, I hope I live to make another post (there's that morbidity again). Take care folks. Love you!

Pleasing cherry flavor my ass

Pleasing cherry flavor? Hello no! This is a bottle of the bowel prep gunk I just had to down. I did a bottle yesterday as well. They actually call it "pleasing" cherry flavor. Ewww! It has done its job though. Today is the 4th of July, and it less than 12 hours I will be in the hospital going through preparation for surgery. For the last 7 days I've been on the pre-op diet, with today and yesterday being clear fluids only. I'm only mildly hungry anymore. I can't believe the hunger passed the way it did. I'm only getting a hundred or so calories today, and don't get me wrong - I definitely want more, but it isn't like I'm starving.

I'm in a weird place mentally. I'm ready for tomorrow to be here. I think it will be a bit of an adventure. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my family, should something go wrong. I largely just ignore the risks in my mind, because I know there is nothing I can do. I've lost more than twice the weight I was required to do, I'm scrubbing my abdomen with the antiseptic, I'm following the pre-op diet exactly...I've done all I can to lower my risks. I truly think things will be fine. But there is always that if in my mind...

I've started packing my hospital bag. Tomorrow morning we have to leave the house at 3:45 AM in order to make it to the hospital by 5. Surgery is scheduled for 7:15. By 9 it should be over, and by 10 or so I'll be awake again. It happens so fast. That seems odd after these months of preparation.

My biggest sensation right now is excitement for the future. I know this choice is right for me and it will help me attain a healthier self that I can maintain for the rest of my life. I can't wait to run a marathon some day!  I look forward to no longer being discriminated against because of my size, though the memories of that will never go away and I think I will always harbor distrust of those people who behaved that way to me. I look forward to shopping in a regular store in the regular clothing section. I look forward to new clothes! I look forward to traveling and hiking and more hiking and playing with the kids. I look forward to being comfortable as I move, sit, stand, walk, run.  I look forward to continuing to hunt for healthier me, but after tomorrow, I'll have a little extra help. 

Hungry

I'm just heading to bed after my third day on the pre-op diet. I'm HUNGRY. I keep catching myself looking at any food on the counter...then I remind myself I can't have it. This is uncomfortable. The good news is it is helping me shed those few pounds I regained during my food funeral just before starting the diet. But I'm still crazy hungry. Two more days of this (shake for breakfast and lunch plus small frozen dinner) and then I move to clear liquids only. Yippee!

Two weeks!

Two weeks from right now, I will be groggy but probably awake and the surgery will be complete. Wow. I most definitely am starting to get nervous, which was significantly compounded by my pre-op appointments yesterday in Eugene.

Keith and I showed up at the clinic office at 7:45 yesterday for what turned out to be 5 hours of pre-operative appointments, discussions, consents, and test. We had a brief class with other patients having surgery in the next week where we reviewed pre-operative procedures (don't eat, don't drink, scrub your belly...) and post-operative expectations and care (you will hurt and be grumpy). I got weighed again and they were super happy with my progress. On their scales I lost over 34 pounds, which is WAY over the 20 pounds I was required to lose. We met with the surgeon for quite a while and got to ask lots more questions. My surgery will be conducted with robotic assistance. Seems weird, but it is far more precise and so far has fewer complication rates. I had to read the insanely depressing and terrifying consent forms and sign my acknowledgement that I might die in 2 weeks. The surgeon gave me a quick physical - everything looked awesome and she said my liver is "nice and flat" - which will make for a safer surgery too! I did ask her that if she had to choose one thing about my case, what causes her the most concern. She did not hesitate to say it would be the possibility of a pulmonary embolism (PE). If you get a PE you don't automatically die, but you can. They are hard to predict and are more common in obese patients. It is not a complication that is exclusive to this surgery - far from it! Healthy people can get them at any time, but they are more common in obese patients after surgery. The fact that I just lost weight from 52 down to 45 BMI (and probably less by surgery day) reduces my risks quite a bit, plus I'm young and otherwise healthy, so my personal risks are low. But they are not zero. We also discussed the pain medications I will receive. Because of some concerns about my history with vomiting codeine and percoset family drugs, I'll be put on dilaudid which is apparently 4 times more potent than morphine.

The four other patients that were there were interesting characters. I had met them all before at either a support group meeting or at a nutrition class. All were at least 10 years older than me and two of them were significantly heavier. One man said he has 9 children at home - ages 1 to 19! Another man was their with his partner who had undergone the surgery a year ago. Everyone was a bit nervous, as was evident by their incessant chatter even when the nurse was giving us instruction. I learned later in the day that at least one of those other patients had her surgery cancelled when the doctor did his physical exam. He found an infected cyst on the woman's neck - best to wait until the infection is gone before getting your gut cut open.

After we finished with the surgeon's office we headed over to anesthesiology. We met with a nurse who reviewed a million things about my medical history. They took some blood, did a quick EKG, checked my BP, pulse, and temp, and deemed I was in good shape. Then an anesthesiologist came in a we talked about anti-nausea meds (normal, but I'll be put on a super-dose because of family and personal history) and what is like to be under general anesthesia. At least I'll be asleep when the catheter goes in. She gave me final instructions for prep during the final days before surgery (scrub the belly with special antiseptic pads, no food or water) and we were done. 

Oh, and I recently had a meeting with my general physician, and because of my weight loss and what is to come, she took me off metformin. One less med. Yay!

So now I have another week when I can eat normally, and then I start the pre-op diet. I will be very busy this week though, because I'm teaching an intensive summer class that meets all day next week. My final normal meal with be Thursday night, June 27th. After that it is 5 days of protein shakes for breakfast and lunch, and then a 300-400 calorie protein-rich dinner. The last 2 days before surgery are clear liquids only, combined with bowel prep.  Yeah, so I should be real chipper that last week. But it will be worth it in the end if I can find and keep a healthier me.

I'm free...

...of caffeine. I'm four days in to my new caffeine-free lifestyle. So far this attempt to quit has actually been one of the easiest I've ever lived through. It is a requirement before the surgery - caffeine and carbonated drinks have to go. Since I conveniently ran out of my favorite Cherry Coke Zero last week, I figured this was as good a time as any. And I think I'm going to make it. Sure, sometimes I miss having that early afternoon cold can of fizz to give me a jolt, but the craving goes away if I just ignore it for even a minute. I'm excited to move forward without that dependency anymore. Wahoo! Go me!

NSV

NSV = Non-Scale Victory. It is a phrase commonly used by those working on losing weight. We definitely have scale victories to celebrate, sometimes the NSVs are even more exciting. For example, I now fit more comfortably into some chairs. I fit into pants that didn't fit a few months ago. I had to tighten my bras straps. It is exciting to have a few NSVs creeping up on me, even before I have my surgery. I look forward to even more.

Down the hatch

On Tuesday I had my upper endoscopy.  It was really interesting. I was wheeled around in a hospital bed, given an IV (the first one in my life!), put on oxygen, and sedated with versed and fentanyl. The drugs were fun...it didn't take me long to black out. I woke up after the procedure was over and was groggy and goofy. I don't remember much of that next few hours...just little snippets. I slept much of the afternoon too. Doc said everything looked pretty good down there. I have a small hiatal hernia, which is fairly common and might be repaired during the surgery. I also have some minor evidence of reflux. I wouldn't be surprised if that is damage lingering from when I was pregnant. I generally don't have heartburn on a regular basis, but when I'm pregnant it is debilitating.  The doc took a few small biopsies (standard procedure) but doesn't expect to find anything. He said I look good to proceed with surgery.

So that is it. All the hurdles are complete. I've lost another couple of pounds, so I'm now 10 lbs under the surgeon's requirement. I just have to maintain (or lose) for another 6 weeks until surgery. Next significant date is June 20 when I go down for the pre-op appointments with the surgeon and anesthesiologist.  In the meantime I might need to find some new pants. These are getting kinda loose.

The last big hurdle

Tomorrow morning I head down to Eugene again for my upper endoscopy. It is the last significant step in the process. Most likely everything will look great and the surgery will proceed as planned. On the off chance there is something to consider, we still have plenty of time to address it. I'm very curious to see how it goes in the morning. They say I won't remember anything and that I really won't feel any discomfort. The entire procedure only takes about 5 minutes. Keith is coming down with me because he'll have to drive me home when it is over. In the hours before the appointment, I get no food or liquids. Should make for a chipper morning. ;-)

I have a date!

My surgery has been officially scheduled for July 5th. Pre-op appointments are June 20. It is all moving forward.  I still have to complete my upper endoscopy, which is next Tuesday. And I have to keep my weight steady or go down. I've lost a few more pounds recently, so I think I'm doing okay. Down to 280!

The process

Getting from the decision to have surgery to actually having the surgery done is different for everyone. Different surgeons have different requirements, as do different insurance policies. I already shared that my insurance company requires a 5% weight loss (16 pounds for me). It has to be completed within 6 months of the initial consultation, or you have to start the process all over again. During my initial consultation with the surgeon, she did a physical exam that included palpating my liver. Based on the size of the liver and the amount of weight you need to lose, the surgeon sets the weight you have to lose before they will agree to do the surgery. My magic number was 20 pounds. Losing the weight is a pretty big step for most surgery candidates. It generally is the piece that takes the longest. There are a number of other appointments that take place as you are working on the weight loss.

The consultation and exam with the surgeon is first. From my initial weigh in, she calculated that I was 175 pounds overweight (!!!!!!) and that my "ideal" weight would be around 137 pounds. However, her goal for me is to get under 200. I think my personal goal is 150. That would put me just barely at the top of the healthy weight range. I don't think I've been a "healthy" weight in 25 years.

After the consultation with the surgeon, I had a consultation with the program dietician and the program psychologist, which included a computer psych test. Everyone has to agree that you are a good candidate. My appointments went very well. I also had a cardiac stress test. Picture me on a treadmill with a dozen or so leads hanging off my chest. That went great. Once those results were known I was scheduled for an upper endoscopy, which I'm still waiting on. It is scheduled for May 14th. Another component is the overnight sleep study. That was really interesting. I have extremely mild sleep apnea, but it really isn't enough to treat. I also had to attend 2 group nutrition classes and pop in for a few weigh-ins.

At this point my insurance has approved the surgery and I have tentatively been given the surgery date of July 5th. I have to get that upper endoscopy done, and then about a week before the surgery I go in for pre-op appointments. So I'm really in a holding pattern right now. I'm currently down about 25 pounds and trying to inch down a few more before surgery. So far so good.

My journey has begun

I've been big all my life, and I'm done with that. I have always struggled, every single second, with food, addiction, depression, self esteem, and body image. I've done a million diets and I've lost hundreds of pounds. Yet here I am. I have given up many times in the past, which usually resulted in gaining a few (10, 30, 60...) pounds. Done! I am done!

On January 29th, 2013 I had a consult with a bariatric surgeon in Eugene. I've been thinking about it for years. A number of doctors brought it up to me. The Husband and I discussed it. He went from extremely opposed to at least willing to attend a consult. I mostly just wanted to learn more about my options. So we went and met Dr. Jessica Folek. I had already attended an info night a few months prior where I met the other surgeon in the practice. It took us another week to finally decide I'd start the program. But I did, and now here I am. On the day of that consult with Dr. Folek, I weighed in at 308.6 lbs. I'm only 5' 5" so this put my BMI over 50. I was big enough to qualify for surgery without any comorbidities. It was the heaviest I'd ever been, and I hoped to never see those numbers again. I'm only 37 and I have so much life ahead of me, but I can't live a lot of it at 50+ BMI.

At the consult I learned about my surgical options and we all settled on the vertical sleeve gastrectomy ("the sleeve" or VSG) as the best choice for me. I learned about the risks of surgery (and my even bigger risks of staying super obese) and about the program I would have to go through to get to surgery. Surgery is NOT the easy way out. It is an intense, sometimes painful, lifelong change of lifestyle. The long term weightloss success rate of surgery is many times higher than that of diet and exercise. But the surgery itself doesn't make you skinny. It gives you a powerful tool, but you have to work for every pound. You still have to exercise and make good food choices. The surgery helps you lose 60-70% of your excess weight, so if you really want to get down to your actual healthy weight, you will have to work exceptionally hard for those last pounds. You will survive on 500 calories a day for months. You'll eat generally no more than 1200 calories a day for the rest of your life. It is not easy.

So in late January I made my decision. I started eating a little better since I needed to lose some weight before surgery. Every surgeon has different pre-op, post-op, and nutrition requirements. I think my surgeons are somewhere in the middle of the range in terms of conservativeness. My insurance required I lose 5% of my body weight before they would approve the surgery. This was around 16 pounds for me. Dr. Folek said she wanted to see me lose 20. So I cut out the chocolate cold turkey, and stopped stuffing myself. I started to go for more walks and I went hunting for a healthier me.